Wellness

An In-Depth Analysis: Will Your Child be Ugly

"A face only a mother could love" – not anymore !

A recent scientific study published in Science Today has reportedly located the ugly branch in the genetic tree.

And we say it’s about damn time!

Geneticist and researcher from Jon Hopkins University, Ron Maroon, had this to say:

“Nobody wants an ugly baby. Ninety-seven per cent of the time, ugly babies grow into ugly children, and ugly children invariably grow into ugly adults. Aside from being unpleasant to look at and often triggering in fellow primates the fight-or-flight response, ugly adults face greater hardships through life. They find it harder to acquire mates, to secure permanent jobs, and often find themselves in the throes of addiction, trying to plug the sad gaps created faulty exterior with prescription medications and illicit substances.

‘That’s why we’ve been working tirelessly to locate the genetic mutation that leads to physical nuisances – weak chins, low cheekbones, large noses, acne, ill-defined jaws, shortness, baldness, brown eyes and all that jazz – so we can, in layman’s terms, bend the bacterial genes back into their proper shape. Out with the old in with the new. It’s a lot more technical than that, obviously, but you get the idea. We can make your kid pretty. Symmetrical.’

The Blab Lab reached out to Ron Maroon to find out when this cutting-edge technology will be available. His publicist informed us that Ron was too busy to respond, but had this message to pass on: ‘We can expect this technology to be available by 2030 – at the latest. This is the future Gattaca envisioned. You’re welcome.’

Flailing erections, sagging cheeks, hairy backs – these things just shouldn’t exist in the 21st century.Eradicating physical deformities and general imperfections should surely take precedent over eradicating debilitating diseases like dementia, cancer, and influenza strains. Scientists like Ron Maroon are doing God’s work.

It’s artistry of epic proportions. And great news for the human species!

We’ll be sure to keep you updated on the latest progress from Dr Ron Maroon and his team as things unfold.

 

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