We’ve heard it before, and we’ll sure as sugar hear it again: Fifteen-year old, pimple-speckled kids hurling abuse through the latest Astro headphones to anyone who’s game enough to have their sound turned on. But no one ever really thinks that the kid whose voice still sounds like a chihuahua squealing for a treat is actually going to do the dirty with your mum.
Not until now, anyway.
A near full-time gamer, reportedly 15 years young, has actually followed through on threats and had intercourse with Jason’s* mum. A distraught Jason told the Blab Lab in an exclusive interview that he’d found the screen name Bu$t1n@$$h0L3Ss popping up whenever he would login for a quick session of COD. Soon enough it didn’t matter what game Jason played; Bu$t1n@$$h0L3S’s ominous username would leap onto screen, and within seconds the unidentified chihuahua-sounding shooter would be talking smack about b#ning Jason’s mum.
Initially Jason was nonplussed about the threats. He’d heard that kind of smack talk too many times to think anything of it.
It’s the risk you take when you turn on online chat. People are going to tell you that they’re going to b#ne your mum, and that’s cool. Like whatever, it doesn’t matter.
But Jason’s alarm bells started sounding when Bu$t1n@$$h0L3S actually used Jason’s mother’s full name.
‘Yeah, using her full name was the first shocker. Then he started saying how he met her on Tinder, getting real specific on what she looked like and what sort of teas she drank on weekdays. It was real weird.’
Jason eventually blocked Bu$t1n@$$h0L3S, but he was never able to uncover the mystery as to how Bu$t1n@$$h0L3S gathered such accurate and intimate information.
‘Yeah, I mean I talked to mum about it. Of course she denied it,’ said Jason, scratching his head, a trademark gesture of someone unconvinced by his own words. ‘But how the hell did he know all those things? He knew about the mole on her right butt cheek. How her left elbow over-extends when she straightens it out. He knew what size underwear she wore for god’s sake.’
When asked whether Jason was concerned that there might be legal proceedings brought against his mother for the allegations made, Jason confessed that the illegality of the situation never even occurred to him. ‘Shit, that’s, like… I didn’t even think about that. If this little prick’s telling the truth my mum could go to jail hey? F*ck.’
We reached out to Jason’s mother for comment, but she wouldn’t talk to us. (Who can blame her?)
The Blab Lab understands that authorities are not yet looking into the matter.
Bu$t1n@$$h0L3S’s parents did not give him permission to make a comment. (They also apologised for their son’s claims, insisting that they themselves couldn’t believe Bu$t1n@$$h0L3S would be smooth enough to b#ne anyone, let alone Jason’s mum.)
*All real names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.