When Sally found out that her partner had been cheating on her with a so-called friend, she saw the red mist.
In an exclusive interview with the Blab Lab, she says ‘I got so angry that I just wanted to chop of his d!ck.’
But Sally knew that castrating her partner of five years would land her in prison – not to mention the huge clean up that would follow (he’d been living in HER apartment – can you believe it!)
When our reporters asked Sally how she confronted the cheating ball of slime nuts, Sally told us that she didn’t. Instead, she devised a master plan that’d rank right up there with anything Doctor Evil himself could manufacture.
‘I didn’t want to just throw a glass of milk at his stupid head and march out in a huff,’ said Sally. ‘I wanted him to suffer, like really suffer. Slowly. I wanted him to hit him where he hurt the most. His stupid thinning hair.’
Sally tells the Blab Lab that her partner had started balding two years into their relationship. She loved the cheating scoundrel at the time, though, and didn’t think it was a big deal.
‘I actually love bald men,’ she told us. ‘I think it’s hot. You know, manly. But he… oh wow, he couldn’t STAND the thought of being bald. Not one person in his family was bald – not even his 97-year-old racist uncle Fred.
‘He’d stand in the bathroom for hours, brushing his hair, just watching it fall onto the ground. Should have known he was a self-absorbed psychopath then, right? Anyway. To shut him up I bought him this Regaine thing I’d found online. And it actually worked.’
Within two months, Sally’s partner’s hair had started to regrow and thicken. Sally says she’d never seen him so happy. Everything was going great.
And then things changed.
Six months later, Sally found a purple g-string tucked inside the cheating douche pistol’s suit pocket. She tells us that she thought he was looking really happy because his hair was coming back. Little did she know that there was another reason lurking beneath the surface. It didn’t take Sally long before she realised what she had to do.
I bought him four months of Regaine, poured it all down the drain, and replaced it with a vinegar and saline solution. Then I wrapped it all up and gave it to him as a present.
Sally watched on for the next two months as the cheating butt plug’s hair gradually fell out. She says she’d be lying if she didn’t enjoy the whole experience in the end.
‘The heartbreak was almost worth it,’ she laughed, in visibly good spirits. ‘Stupid c*nt. That’ll teach him.’