Food restrictive diets are as hot as looking hot right now, which is always hot.
(Because who doesn’t always want to look hot? Obviously no one.)
There’s the ketogenic diet, which actively encourages you to eat all the bacon and cheese your wildest fantasies could carry (and probably more than that); then we have the paleo diet, a diet getting back to our Palaeolithic roots that’ll have you looking leaner than Fred Flinstone’s faithful spear; and then there’s the water-only diet, which has its adherents looking gaunter than Gandhi.
But not all diets are created equally, and not all are going to get you that summer bod that the black pit of self-loathing in your belly desperately craves.
That’s why a bunch of ex vegans have taken everything good about veganism – the absence of animal cruelty, presence of environmental awareness, and the gold-coated podium of righteous indignation – and turned up the volume.
Move over vegan, shove over fregan.
And make way for the hegan!
‘People always joke about eating vegans, and we just got sick of it,’ says Heganism spokesperson Lunar Phoenix.
‘So we thought, you know what, screw it. Let’s actually start eating people, but let’s eat meat eaters. That way we can eat meat but keep being vegan because we’re not eating animals.’
After countless hours of research, Lunar and her ex-vegan posse found that consuming human flesh has many benefits, which include lessening the risk of heart-disease, producing cells that contribute to the prevention of cancer, and best of all, eating all those meat-eating bullies who stand in opposition to cultural and social progress.
‘People always talk about how eating animals is morally okay because there’s some clean un-icky difference between animals and humans. Which we think is just bogus, of course. And we’re against eating animals, not meat generally. I mean mushrooms have mushroom meat. We just found a loophole.’
And some loophole.
‘It’s a kill two humans with one stone kind of deal, actually. Not only do we still not eat animals, we’re eating those who do eat animals, so we’re also indirectly contributing to animals welfare in that way.’
(Or should we say, double human hammy!)
When we asked Lunar what methods she uses to prepare human meat, she tells us that it’s much the same as cooking a beef steak.
‘Human meat can be a little tough, so sometimes you need to marinate it for days before it’s tender enough to cook and serve. But otherwise it’s the same – throw it in an oil-coated frying pan and over the stove, chuck it in a non-stick and slide it into the oven, smother it in butter, pepper it with all your favourite herbs and spices – whatever you want.’
Lunar is currently rallying politicians for legislative changes that will legalise the consumption of human meat. ‘We’re pushing for a bill to be passed by 2022.’
She’s also teaming up with Pete Evans to create a paleo-hegan cookbook, which Lunar is hopeful will be released in early 2019.
‘We’re already in talks with Penguin Random House. Things are looking good.’